Hey. I’m Roman MacArthur. Born in Carrum Downs, still in Carrum Downs — which sounds boring until you realise it’s not. I’m a former sexologist, current writer for the AgriDating project over at agrifood5.net, and someone who’s spent way too much time thinking about how we connect. Or fail to. I’ve done the eco-activist dating thing. The open relationships. The celibacy experiments. I’ve researched desire until my brain hurt, and honestly? The mess never gets less messy. But that’s the point.
Carrum Downs isn’t exactly known as a hotbed of polyamory. We’ve got about 23,638 people now, up nearly 8% since 2021[reference:0]. It’s a family-friendly suburb with a strong community vibe — but also the kind of place where you might wonder if anyone else out there is rethinking the whole monogamy thing. Let me tell you: they are. And the numbers are stranger than you think.
1. What exactly is ethical non-monogamy (ENM), and how is it different from cheating?
Short answer: ENM is when everyone knows, everyone agrees, and nobody’s sneaking around. It’s the complete opposite of cheating because consent is the entire foundation.
Here’s where people get tangled up. Ethical non-monogamy means your relationship isn’t exclusive between two people — you might have multiple sexual or romantic relationships, but only with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved[reference:1]. Cheating is non-consensual non-monogamy. ENM is the exact opposite: informed, voluntary, active consent from all parties[reference:2]. One of the defining features of ethical non-monogamy is its focus on consent. The difference isn’t about how many partners you have — it’s about whether everyone’s playing by the same rules, openly. In Carrum Downs, where community gossip travels fast, that transparency isn’t just ethical. It’s survival.
And no, it’s not the same as polygamy. Polygamy involves multiple marriages and is illegal in Australia. Polyamory is legal. A throuple is legal. Sleeping with whoever you want, as long as everyone consents and you’re not trying to get married to more than one person? Totally fine under Australian law[reference:3]. Though partner visas still require exclusivity — so if you’re bringing someone over, that’s a whole different headache[reference:4].
2. How common is ENM in Australia and around Carrum Downs?
Short answer: About 4–5% of people are actively polyamorous, and up to 20% have tried some form of non-monogamy. In Carrum Downs, with ~23,600 people, that’s potentially hundreds of people quietly navigating multiple relationships.
Let’s do some messy math. Research suggests around 4-5% of people are involved in polyamorous relationships, and about 20% have probably tried some form of non-monogamy[reference:5]. In a 2023 survey, only 6% of respondents said they’d been in an open relationship, with most being men aged 35-44[reference:6]. But here’s the kicker: about 41% of Tinder users are interested in “non-monogamous adventures,” and a third of single Australians think ENM is “the way of the future”[reference:7].
So what does that mean for Carrum Downs? With a population pushing 24,000, even the conservative 4-5% figure gives you roughly 1,000 people who are actively polyamorous. The 20% figure — people who’ve tried it — that’s nearly 5,000 people in this suburb alone. They’re your neighbours. The person behind you in line at the Carrum Downs Shopping Centre. The family with the perfectly manicured lawn and the guest room that’s occupied way more often than anyone talks about. The conclusion from this data is clear: ENM is far more common than public conversation suggests, and the gap between practice and disclosure in suburban areas like ours is massive.
And yet, the majority of Australians still confuse non-monogamy with infidelity[reference:8]. The stigma is real, especially in a place where everyone seems to know everyone. But the numbers don’t lie — the interest is growing, even if the practice isn’t always visible.
3. What are the main types of ENM relationships?
Short answer: Polyamory (multiple romantic relationships), open relationships (sexual non-exclusivity), swinging (couples swapping), and relationship anarchy (no rules, just agreements). Each has different boundaries and expectations.
Let me break this down in a way that actually makes sense for real life, not textbooks.
Polyamory — you’re talking multiple romantic relationships, often with emotional depth. This can look like a throuple (three people all committed to each other), or one person with multiple separate partners (often called a “polycule”)[reference:9]. Some polyamorous people use hierarchy — a primary partner who comes first — while others practice non-hierarchical polyamory where everyone’s prioritised equally[reference:10].
Open relationships — usually a primary couple who stay romantically exclusive but agree to sexual experiences outside. Sometimes with “don’t ask, don’t tell” policies (though in my experience, that’s a disaster waiting to happen), sometimes with full transparency[reference:11]. Swinging is a subset of this: couples having sex with other couples, often at parties or clubs.
Relationship anarchy — this is the wild card. Rejects most conventional labels and hierarchies entirely. No rules except the ones the people involved actively agree on[reference:12]. Sounds freeing. Requires an exhausting amount of communication.
Here’s what the stats don’t tell you: the majority of people in open relationships are men aged 35-44[reference:13]. That aligns with what I’ve seen — men often drive the conversation, but women tend to do the emotional labour of making it work. The term “compersion” — feeling joy at your partner’s pleasure with someone else — gets thrown around a lot[reference:14]. In practice? It’s rare. Most people feel jealousy. The difference is whether you can talk about it.
4. How does Victorian law actually treat ENM, polyamory, and throuples?
Short answer: Polyamory is completely legal. Polygamy (multiple marriages) is not. But Australian family law only recognises two-person relationships, so legal protections are minimal for throuples or larger polycules.
This is where things get interesting — and frustrating. Under current Australian law, only two-person relationships (marriages or de facto partnerships) are formally recognised[reference:15]. That means if you’re in a throuple and you split up, you have no legal framework for property division, custody arrangements, or financial support. The Family Law Act simply wasn’t written with you in mind.
Polygamous marriages are illegal in Australia, and bigamy (marrying someone while already married) is a criminal offence[reference:16]. But polyamory — having multiple unmarried partners with everyone’s consent — is perfectly legal[reference:17]. The distinction matters: you can love multiple people, live with them, have children with them, but you can only marry one of them.
Here’s a conclusion most people miss: the law doesn’t prohibit ENM relationships, but it also doesn’t protect them. That gap creates real vulnerability. If you’re building a life with two partners in Carrum Downs, you need wills, powers of attorney, and co-parenting agreements that a married couple wouldn’t think twice about. The legal system assumes monogamy. You have to work around that assumption, not through it.
For anyone on a partner visa, there’s an additional hurdle: immigration law still requires relationships to be “to the exclusion of all others”[reference:18]. That means polyamorous relationships can make visa applications genuinely difficult. Not impossible, but difficult. The system hasn’t caught up yet.
5. What’s the legal status of escort services and sex work in Carrum Downs and Victoria?
Short answer: Consensual sex work has been fully decriminalised in Victoria since December 2023. Independent escorts, brothels, and escort agencies operate like any other business, with standard workplace protections.
This changed everything. Victoria decriminalised sex work in two stages — the first in May 2022, the second in December 2023[reference:19]. What that means in plain English: sex work is now regulated just like any other industry, by WorkSafe Victoria and the Department of Health[reference:20]. No more licensing system. No more registration requirements. Independent sex workers can operate without being attached to a licensed brothel or escort agency[reference:21].
For Carrum Downs specifically, this matters because the suburb is close enough to Melbourne for access but far enough to have its own local dynamics. A sex services business can now operate anywhere a shop can — that’s the planning control change from the decriminalisation[reference:22]. Theoretically, an escort agency could set up on the Frankston-Cranbourne Road corridor. Practically? Local community attitudes might make that complicated. The law changed faster than the culture.
In April 2026 — literally just weeks ago — an amendment to ban registered sex offenders from working in the sex industry was defeated in State Parliament 21 votes to 16[reference:23]. The government argued that a statutory review of the Sex Work Decriminalisation Act will begin in late 2026, and issues like this should be considered as part of that broader process[reference:24]. My take? The debate exposed deep divisions. Sex worker advocates opposed the amendment because they feared it would reopen decriminalisation for further restrictions. Safety concerns got caught in political crossfire. No clean answers here.
6. What ENM-friendly events and spaces are happening near Carrum Downs in 2026?
Short answer: Frankston’s South Side Festival (May 8-17, 2026) includes Human Love Quest — a comedy dating show. Midsumma Festival (January 18 – February 8, 2026) featured Afterglow, a play about polyamory. Melbourne has regular polyamory meetups, though Carrum Downs itself has no dedicated ENM spaces.
Here’s the truth: Carrum Downs doesn’t have a polyamory club. There’s no secret handshake. But the surrounding area has more happening than you’d expect.
South Side Festival 2026 (Frankston, May 8-17) — This is your best bet in the immediate area. Ten nights of art, culture, and community events across Frankston[reference:25]. Neon Fields transforms Beauty Park into an illuminated wonderland (May 8-10) with a Unicorn Garden, Cosmic Playground, and a Stargate monolith. Entry is free[reference:26]. But here’s what caught my attention: Human Love Quest — a live comedy dating show. Perfectly positioned to attract people questioning traditional relationship structures[reference:27]. Not explicitly ENM, but the vibe is exploratory. Workshops, talks, a clothing swap, community crochet — the kind of spaces where conversations about non-traditional relationships might actually happen organically[reference:28]. The South Side Sea Soak (cold water dip followed by barbecue breakfast) is another highlight. Community events like these lower social barriers in ways that formal meetups sometimes don’t.
Midsumma Festival 2026 (Melbourne, January 18 – February 8) — Already passed for this year, but worth knowing for next. Over 200 events across Melbourne[reference:29]. The standout for ENM people: Afterglow, a play exploring polyamory, commitment, and modern love. The plot follows a married couple in an open relationship who invite a third person into their bed, and everything gets complicated[reference:30]. The Midsumma Carnival (free entry, Alexandra Gardens) anchors the opening weekend with 200+ stalls, food zones, and a dog parade — which, honestly, is a fantastic icebreaker[reference:31].
Polyamory meetups in Melbourne — Not as frequent as you might hope. The scene exists but it’s scattered. Facebook groups, occasional events at Chapel Off Chapel in Prahran. The “polyamory” search results for 2026 are thin — a show in January-February, not much else[reference:32]. My conclusion: the ENM community in greater Melbourne is active but not heavily publicised. You find it through word of mouth, not Google. If you’re serious about connecting, you’ll need to put in the legwork — join online communities, attend queer-friendly spaces, and accept that visibility is low.
What’s missing? There are no dedicated ENM or polyamory events in Frankston City for the coming months. That’s a gap. Someone should fill it. A monthly polyamory coffee meetup at a Frankston cafe would probably draw 20-30 people within weeks. The demand exists — the organisation doesn’t.
7. How do dating apps work for ENM people in Carrum Downs?
Short answer: Feeld is the best option specifically for ENM. OkCupid has polyamory filters. Tinder and Bumble work but require upfront honesty. The key is being explicit about your relationship style in your bio.
I’ve spent more hours on dating apps than I care to admit. Here’s what actually works in this area.
Feeld — Designed for open-minded dating. The user base in outer southeastern Melbourne is smaller than inner-city, but it exists. The app explicitly includes options for couples, polyamory, and various ENM configurations. Worth the download just for the reduced stigma.
OkCupid — Old school but effective. Has specific filters for non-monogamy and polyamory. The user base skews slightly older and more serious, which might be exactly what you want.
Tinder and Bumble — The big players. They work, but you need to be upfront. Put “ethically non-monogamous” or “in an open relationship” in your bio. The swipe rate will be lower, but the matches you do get will actually understand what they’re signing up for. About 41% of Tinder users express interest in “non-monogamous adventures”[reference:33]. That’s nearly half. The silence isn’t disinterest — it’s social pressure.
Here’s a warning from experience: dating apps in suburban areas are different from the city. In Carrum Downs, you will see people you recognise. You might match with a neighbour. You might match with your child’s teacher. That’s not necessarily bad, but you need to be prepared for it. The anonymity of the city doesn’t exist here. Your dating life and your community life overlap.
The golden rule for ENM dating apps: disclose before the first date. Not on the first date. Before. Send a message that says, “Just so you know, I’m in an open relationship and my partner knows I’m here.” If that scares someone off, they weren’t right for you anyway. If they’re intrigued, you’ve started with honesty instead of damage control.
8. What are the real challenges of ENM in a suburban area like Carrum Downs?
Short answer: Privacy concerns, limited dating pools, judgement from neighbours, lack of community infrastructure, and the logistical nightmare of coordinating schedules across multiple partners while maintaining family-friendly appearances.
Let me be blunt. The inner-city polyamory experience — with its designated meetups, understanding friend groups, and relative anonymity — does not translate to Carrum Downs. Here’s what you’re actually up against.
Privacy is your biggest currency. In a suburb of 23,000 people, you cannot assume anonymity. Your car gets recognised. Your comings and goings get noticed. The person serving you coffee might also be on your dating app. This doesn’t mean ENM is impossible — it means you need to be intentional about where and how you meet people. Melbourne is 40 minutes away. Sometimes the drive is worth it.
The dating pool is smaller and less diverse. Not everyone on dating apps is looking for ENM. Fewer are. You will exhaust the local options faster than you expect. That’s not a failure of your approach — it’s a numbers game. The solution is patience, willingness to travel, and realistic expectations about frequency of connections.
Social judgement is real, even when it’s silent. Australia has come a long way on relationship diversity, but the majority of people still don’t understand ENM. They confuse it with cheating. They assume your relationship is failing. They gossip. In a suburb where community ties are strong, that matters. The question isn’t whether you can handle the judgement — it’s whether the judgement is worth the freedom. For many people, the answer is yes. But you should go in with open eyes.
Lack of infrastructure is exhausting. No local polyamory meetups. No ENM-friendly therapists in the immediate area. No lawyers who specialise in non-traditional relationship structures. Every resource requires travel or remote access. That creates friction. The friction wears on you over time. The people who succeed in suburban ENM are the ones who build their own infrastructure — starting their own meetups, finding remote therapists, educating their own lawyers.
The coordination nightmare is real. Try scheduling dates with two partners while managing school drop-offs, sports practices, and the expectation that you look like a normal family from the outside. Add jealousy. Add miscommunication. Add the fact that most relationship advice assumes monogamy. It’s a lot. I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m saying don’t pretend it’s easy.
9. Where can I find ENM resources, therapists, and community support near Carrum Downs?
Short answer: Relationships Australia offers ENM-informed counselling. QueerSpace in Melbourne has polyamory-affirming therapists. Online communities (Reddit’s r/polyamory, Facebook groups) are the most accessible starting points. No dedicated local resources exist in Carrum Downs itself.
This is the honest answer: you’ll need to piece together support from multiple sources.
Therapy and counselling: Relationships Australia provides general relationship counselling and has practitioners familiar with ENM. Not all of them, but some. Ask upfront. QueerSpace in Melbourne explicitly serves diverse relationship structures. Telehealth options mean you don’t have to drive into the city for every session. The key is finding a therapist who understands ENM dynamics — jealousy management, compersion, communication across multiple partners — rather than one who pathologises non-monogamy.
Online communities: Reddit’s r/polyamory has over 500,000 members. The Australian-specific discussions are smaller but active. Facebook has private polyamory groups for Melbourne and Victoria. These spaces are often where you’ll find event announcements, dating advice, and emotional support. They’re also where you might meet people who live surprisingly close to you.
Books and educational resources: “The Ethical Slut” remains the foundational text — a guide to navigating sexual freedom, open relationships, and polyamory responsibly[reference:34]. “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern is more recent and more trauma-informed. “More: A Memoir of Open Marriage” by Molly Roden Winter became a New York Times bestseller and offers a real-world account of the complexities involved[reference:35].
Legal resources: If you’re in a throuple or complex polycule, you need legal advice. No way around it. Unified Lawyers has written extensively on ENM and family law[reference:36]. The key documents you’ll want: wills, powers of attorney, co-parenting agreements, and property arrangements that reflect your actual relationship structure rather than the legal default.
Here’s my conclusion after years of watching people try and fail: the people who make ENM work in suburbs like Carrum Downs are the ones who build their own community. They start the meetup. They find the therapist. They educate themselves. They accept that the infrastructure doesn’t exist and decide to create it. That’s hard. It’s also the only path forward if you want more than just theory.
10. What’s the future of ENM in Carrum Downs and Victoria?
Short answer: Growing acceptance but slow legal change. The statutory review of Victoria’s sex work decriminalisation begins in late 2026. ENM visibility is increasing through media and dating apps. But family law reform is years away at best.
Let me make a prediction. The 2026 statutory review of the Sex Work Decriminalisation Act will be the first of many[reference:37]. Victoria will spend the next five years figuring out the boundaries of decriminalisation — where the line between “regulated like any other business” and “special protections needed” actually falls. The defeated amendment on sex offenders in April 2026 won’t be the last attempt[reference:38]. Expect this debate to resurface.
For ENM specifically, the legal situation is unlikely to change soon. Australian family law is conservative. Recognising three-person relationships would require fundamental legislative reform. No major party is pushing for it. The best you can hope for in the next 3-5 years is clearer guidance on how existing laws apply to non-traditional structures, not new laws that explicitly protect them.
Culturally? The tide is turning. A third of single Australians think ENM is “the way of the future”[reference:39]. Tinder’s data shows interest is high even if practice is low. The gap between curiosity and action is shrinking. In Carrum Downs, that means more people are privately questioning monogamy even if they’re not publicly practicing ENM. The conversation is coming. It might just take another few years to reach the suburbs.
My final thought — and maybe the only one that really matters. The question isn’t whether ENM is right or wrong. The question is whether it’s right for you. The data doesn’t answer that. The law doesn’t answer that. Only you do, preferably with honesty, patience, and a willingness to be wrong about what you want. I’ve been wrong plenty of times. Still am, probably. But that’s the mess. And that’s the point.